upon entering this blog, you're also entering my mind.. now you'll know how my mind seriously and crazily thinks!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
can i have my life's remote control?!
life is really a big bluff! fate is playing a dirty game with me.. is this what they call a challenge to my ignorance?!! my God, i swear i didn't expect this to happen and i am just so surprised to the highest level as in "oh my Lord!".. everything don't seem to sink in me and i don't know myself at all! is this for real or am i just dreaming? how come life is directing me to a totally different path as compared to the way i used to live?! life is really crazy and i'm going crazy too! LoL! i don't know if i made the right decision.. i know there are people who are happy for what's happening to me, but hey you all don't know what's inside me, the fear of uncertainties, i feel like belittling myself! or am i just eaten up by my own immaturity?! my God, i really don't want to do it, sabi ko nga napasubo lang! i hope i have a remote control and just press the rewind button to go back where i was before as if what's happening now does not and will not exist in my storyline!
**this post may appear so vague but that's it 'coz my life is vague itself! haha..
when and how can i get over my addiction?! pangit man isipin but i still don't have the mood to look for a job dahil nga naaadict na ata ako dito! addict sa internet, addict sa psp, addict sa video editing, addict sa asian movies/drama series, addict sa myLot, at ooops... addict sa 'yo?! haha.. joke! pa'no aasenso kung stranded sa addiction?! this is my stagnant life, sabi nga nila status quo! nothing happens! LoL!! i'm hating myself na because of these addictions! pero masaya din pala ang buhay ng isang adiK! haha..
its been a while since i last posted or should i say visited here, kasi nga naaadict ako! urghhh!
'lang hiya yung babaeng tambay sa kanto kanina, baliw ata, sinabihan ba naman ako'ng "pakyu!".. shock naman ako, 'lam nyo naman ang lola demure type, 'di sanay sa ganyan! anyway, natakot din ako nun ah! haha..
kung malakas lang sana fighting spirit ko at kung 'di ko lang kilala si GMRC, sinabihan ko na sana siya ng "hu u?", sabay hiram sa linya ni claudine "same to you!"..
kakaloka ang girl! 'di lang pala yung presyo ng binili kong tinapay ang tumaas kanina, pati blood pressure ko tumaas din ata! haha.. early in the morning, kakabadtrip na! hmpff!
myLot discussion 8.1.08 - love is cruel sometimes. would you agree?
at first i agree with the expression "love hurts" but not until i have puzzled things out about that very common expression! almost all of us are familiar of those two words and to some, familiar of the feeling itself! you said it right, it is nice to fall in love, its an unexplainable feeling as if describing it as being happy is an understatement. being in love causes you in euphoria, so ecstatic -- an extreme happiness is what you feel when you're in love, right? so based on that feeling it can give you, love is so good! but admit it or not, when you love, you also hope that that very person you love will also love you even just a bit.. you hope from the smallest thing until that person gives you a hundred percent of what your ideal expectation from him/her.. as you love, you have the tendency that your hope grows too. so basically, when you love, you also hope.. BUT if one day, you feel that one of your hopes is broken, there you get the expression that "love hurts".. come to think of it! its not actually love that hurts you, rather, its your hope that hurt you! when you hope too much, you'll get hurt too much!
to sum it up, for me, LOVE DOES NOT HURT, IT IS HOPE THAT HURTS!
___ discussion starter: myLot member malouisa click here to view the whole discussion and the responses! not yet a myLot member but want to respond on the discussion and get paid? sign up first!
myLot discussion 7.31.08 - do you think it's right to change for the "other"?
its not bad to change something in you for others.. but i don't like that idea! what if that "other" will be gone one day in your life? will you go back to the old you since he/she is not at all with you? what if that "other" who is your reason for changing something in you will hurt you one day? will you still be that "new you" even if your very own reason for having the "new you" have caused you pain? i mean, its not a good idea for me to change for anybody else no matter how important that person is to you, so its better you change for yourself and not for anybody else!
**its good to change for the better but i hope your reason changing something in you is not because of anybody else, you change for yourself, for your own good!
_____ discussion starter: myLot memberjhl930 click here to view the whole discussion and the responses! not yet a myLot member but want to respond on the discussion and get paid? sign up first!
myLot discussion 7.29.08 - does physical attraction always comes first before emotional connection?
physical attraction usually happens fast even just at one glance to a person.. and looking for the emotional connection is not as easy though until you take the first step of having conversation with the person, usually finding something in common that both can relate! is that always the situation? physical attraction before emotional connection? or are there also instances where emotional connection is noticed or felt first before the physical stuff? what do you think?
____ discussion starter: ME click here to view the whole discussion and the responses! not yet a myLot member but want to respond on the discussion and get paid? sign up first!
nothing important to post but i want to post! my adrenaline's so high! i'm so excited! can't wait 'till that day comes! time runs so slow, my God! how many more days i have to wait?! can't sleep, my insomnia's attacking me again thinking about that thingy! hahaha..
i had a simple conversation with mama and papa the other day, it was a very ordinary chit chat that eventually led them asking me, what are my plans for myself. am i contented staying at home doing nothing?! well, i jokingly answered them back, i only want to work outside davao, probably manila or cebu! haha.. it was a joke, but jokes are half meant or in my case, 75% meant! lol!! actually early this june i already made my attempt to ask them if i can work outside davao, but as expected, they refuse giving such lame reasons! well, i understand, i know there's a deeper reason why they won't allow me, the reasons they gave me were just excuses! i can read between the lines ma! im not that slow-minded! haha.. touch naman ako! by the way, admittedly, i reach the point of this some kinda "eagerness" to be independent that's why i want to work outside davao.. i really am eager and willing to start a new life by myself, i want to become independent and i know i need to! i want to get out of my comfort zone and i always think staying here in davao won't give me that chance! i want to know how far can i go and how long can i stand by myself! you may think i exaggerated the term "independent-living" but that's what i really want! but since my attempts of asking permission all failed, i didn't apply for any job here in davao even though a lot of chances and opportunities are knocking, i ignore it all! those text messages, phone calls, job offered/introduced by some relatives and family friends -- i ignore it all!! that's how i indirectly rebelled! lol! anyway enough for that thing, im over it, and im back with my clear mind! what's funny now is i still don't have any plan to look for a job even if i already accepted the fact of me staying forever here in this &?#@ city! you know what?! i want to study social issues, don't know what the course is but something about social works and learn all societal issues including poverty, ethical and legal issues concerning our community nowadays.. i have the heart and mind to study it again.. and so i jokingly asked mama if i could take that course, as expected, she laughed then asked me where did i get that idea, that funny idea! she thought im joking.. well yeah, im joking but then again 75% meant! hahaha.. i dont know what now, i dont know what's next in this boring life of mine! but another thing, i reflected on this and really made time to think it over for 3 days and nights i guess, i am actually asking myself, what i really want since my entire life, i really don't have any direction, im a very confused person, promise! well, anyway, so far as my mind works this way, i realized this thing, actually i didn't wish to have a job though i'm aware i dont have money, i'm not rich and so i need to work to earn but i dont know, i just dont feel like working, it never seriously slipped in my mind.. what's all in my mind now is i want to make changes in my life through helping those in need.. how i wish i could touch everyone's life in a positive way and leave a footprint on society before my life will fade away.. i was really inspired by Albert Einstein's words: try not to wish to become a man of success but rather wish to become a man of value in the society.. i may sound funny but its true! im not dreaming too much of success and money, all i know is there are people in need.. im starting not to think of myself but rather think of the people who needs more than i do! having live my life comfortably as the way i do is already a great blessing! don't you think a funny clown is talking now?! haha..
hahai.. i dont know if i should laugh at myself thinking this way, but God, that's just how simple my mind works and that's what i want.. do i need somebody to knock my head off and be awake of the reality and realize how important job and money are?! if so, just tell me, i'll stand in front of you so you can knock my poor head off!!
i have subscribed to bro. bo's blog and everyday i receive a lot of emails which are comments posted by bro. bo's blog readers.. at once, i also commented to one of his post and two days after, i receved a reply from bro. bo himself via email.. i got hanged and dull-witted for few moments reading the phrase "hurt people hurt people"! i actually did not understand it at first reading, those are just repeating words anyway! but the phrase kept on entering my mind and later realize its meaning!
my eyes are getting worst everyday and it really affects my mood.. i guess i have abused my eyes so much before.. my worsening eye sight causes me cephalalgia that i can't stand any longer surfing the net the whole day, three hours is the most unlike before, i can use the computer day and night without feeling any headache.. but hard-headed and abusive as i am, i still try to use the computer as much i want to use it even though im feeling the pain all over again, i just have to use a protective eyeglasses to avoid direct contact to the monitor's radiation! ohhh, can't discipline myself! lol!
wishing all mothers a happy mother's day.. this greeting goes especially to my mother, happy mother's day ma, you are my home along with papa and ate.. thanks for just being a wonderful mama as you.. thanks for everything!
"Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins, comrades and friends - but only one mother in the whole world"
how's life? --->so good outside, so bad inside.. :c
what are your recent activities? --->job hunting with a bit strolling! hehe..
what are your favorite books? --->drop the question! never a bookworm!
what's the song being played in your mp3 at the moment?
what was the last song that kept ringing on your mind?
do you have many friends --->friends by name?! yah.. true friends? hhhmmm... cguro?!
have you gone to the beach this summer? --->yup.. with college friends..
what would you like right at this moment which seems totally impossible? --->to be in taiwan..
do you agree in the saying "to forgive is to forget"? --->nope! its easy to forgive but so hard to forget..
who will you turn to if you have a huge problem? --->i always keep it in myself (kaya ganun answer ko sa #1 question).. newei, JC is always there!
when was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek? --->last monday night, may5
what are you praying for yourself every night? --->peace of mind?
do you lie? --->yah.. usually protective lie!
what kind of people annoys you a lot? --->socially insecure person-seeking for instant popularity.. SIP-SIP in short!
what's the most striking line you heard? --->"don't you really have emotion or are you just afraid of getting hurt?".. dah! bow! haha..
what is the hardest feeling for you? --->feeling of regrets
what makes you frustrated? --->broken words/promises! dami nun! a lot of stupid lies and it s*cks even the petty ones!
have you ever felt that you've been taken for granted? --->several times..
thing/s you regret? --->so many!
what's the sentence/s that lingers in your mind right now? --->avoiding is worst than making a wrong decision.. (line from hana kimi)
have you hurt somebody in the past? --->yah.. cguro.. sorry!
what makes you realize your worth? --->a personal text message from a friend that i will forever cherish.. tnx ella
are you keeping something in yourself, a secret maybe? --->yah.. very serious one! and i'll just break my silence when im ready to hurt a lot of people dear to me..
what's in your mind today? --->im tired talking to people who don't believe me at all those that always contradict every reason i have, every word i say) that's why i better SHUT UP..
what do you want to do these days? --->try independent living so i'll know how far can i go..
what will you do to fulfill your dream? --->at present? i dunno.. my worries hinder my plans, my wish, dream, my goal, everything! :c
what's next in your life's episode? --->dull.... empty.... plain.... so many plans yet so many hindrances! but its ok..
if i'll open your heart, what will i expect? --->blood?! haha.. eehhhmmm... love, hatred, pain, anger, worries, dreams
so far, how's journeying life? ---> i will survive! wheew!
out of nothing to do in the middle of the night, i took some pics inside my room with lights turned off.. i was just surprised when i saw one of my pics look like this one.. i was wondering what happened to my hair when all the time i stayed inside the room, taking pics, i did not turn on the electric fan and i can't feel any wind or whatever that will cause my hair to stand like that, swear! anyway, just wond'ring!
its good i attended the holy mass early this morning to refresh my mind. i can really relate to everything that was said in a 40-minute long homily of Fr. Voltaire. It's all about discouragement, despair, desperation, worries, revenge, temptation, anger, hatred which i admittedly almost felt these past days. i should have accepted mama's offer to go with her in manila and atleast find time to strengthen my weaken mind but some things are just popping out my mind. i have to work on my thesis for our supposed-to-be-upcoming final defense (our group decided to postpone it this time), i dont know how to react in case i'll meet this certain stupid bitch in manila which i think will probably be a nightmare for me, and i dont want to see my sister to leave (naks! drama!).. i really got lot of things in my mind, lot of worries, not only in our thesis and any other school works but personally, im carrying more serious worries and should i say private matters to attend to.. lol!
but with Fr. Voltaire's last words in his homily this morning, i will be walking on with full hope in my life!
i really don't know how to describe myself. i might think i am like this and that but i don't know if what i think i am is the same as how i appear to the people. i'm simply complicated as if my life is a mere bluff -- a really BIG BLUFF! i always carry my pessimism with me but i'm trying not to be consumed by my own negativity. see? i'm really complicated! LoL! i always love to think of myself understanding things logically. i like puzzling things out. i want to dissect every premises and formulate my own understanding and eventually a conclusion on a certain matter. that's how i make things complicated! haha.. i don't have lots of experiences, my life is boring, it only have shades of white and black all through the journey but i learn from my few experiences and from others' experiences as well. so even if i still don't have broad experiences as many people do, i want to believe that i'm still able to learn what life really is and now i'm still learning and forever be growing! thanks to the people around me!
anyway, welcome to my blog! you may think this is just another nonsense blog -- yeah even i, myself, think that way! but that's ok, after all, this is my page!
